The Dark Side of Narcissism

Narcissism is extremely complex, and there’s a lot of disagreement between researchers. However, one thing that is agreed upon is that both healthy narcissism and pathological narcissism exist. Pathological narcissism shows up in every personality disorder, so it’s important to remember that narcissistic personality disorder is not the exact same thing as pathological narcissism. What happens when narcissism turns bad? Let’s unpack the pathological, unhealthy, dark side of narcissism.

What is Pathological Narcissism?

The core of pathological narcissism involves not being able to tolerate one’s own imperfections or “badness,” which leads to a desire for self-enhancement to obtain external validation and admiration. The external validation and reassurance can be called the “narcissistic supply” or, my favorite term, “ego cookies.” 🍪🍪🍪 Narcissism can hide in plain sight if the narcissistic supply is sufficient, but if it decreases or runs out…watch your back! There will be over-the-top reactions that can hurt others. Think about someone who is hanging on to a rescue rope in the ocean. If that rope is cut, they feel like they’re drowning, and in order to survive, they might stand on the head of the swimmer next to them despite knowing that person could drown. Additionally, most people have learned to swim their way through life, developing the skills to self-soothe and maintain identity within the self. Those with pathological narcissism didn’t learn to swim. They have a primitive and child-like need for others to regulate their identity, self-esteem, and self-worth.

The Signs and Symptoms of Pathological Narcissism

1. Pride

Pride is a part of the pathological narcissism picture. There’s exaggeration in self-esteem, achievement, and importance. This includes rejection of any shortcomings or flaws, instead viewing the self as the prettiest, smartest, best, etc. It can also come across as self-righteousness, in that they have everything “all figured out” and are completely put together. For example, “I’m the perfect parent, and I can’t believe you feed your child food that’s not organic.” Another example might be a critical mother who works as a teacher and is super patient with all her students, but at home she is hyper-critical of her own children. She is the “hero” in the classroom, but if someone calls her at-home behavior out, she can break down into a “woe is me” presentation and state, “You don’t respect or appreciate everything I do for you. I’m just a lowly mom, and no one loves me.” Sometimes this is also paired with defensive self-sufficiency where they reject needing others for the purpose of taking all the credit or because of woefulness like, “No one will help me anyway.”

2. Superiority & Specialness

Superiority and specialness are a hallmark feature of pathological narcissism. It’s a belief that everyone else is beneath them and can involve comparisons/competitiveness. Have you ever seen politicians play the game, “Whose [male anatomy] is bigger”? Or the coworker who believes they deserve employee of the month, without effort, just because of who they are? Or even the embezzler who thinks they are above the law and worth more than those from whom they are stealing? Sometimes, this can look less shiny in that they believe their pain is special (i.e. “No one loves me enough”), which is used to gain care and admiration from others. This also involves a sense of entitlement where they deserve what they expect! There is no consideration of circumstances or others’ needs. They need their narcissistic supply now. Additionally, there is a strong sense of envy, where they can obsessively pursue the high-valued items and constructs others have, like money, fame, beauty, success, etc.

3. Vanity & Conceit

Vanity and conceit play a role in pathological narcissism. They might spend massive amounts of money on plastic surgery or sports cars while being $100,000 in debt, all the while not associating with anyone who has “less” money than they “apparently” do. This is also captured in the person who does altruistic acts but can’t stop their excessive bragging about it. This pairs well with their inauthenticity, as they can often be charming and schmooze their way into obtaining admiration, status, and success. Here, we can highlight the stereotypical example of the charming, high-society man who advocates for women’s rights but beats his wife at home. And if caught, can schmooze the police into believing everything was self-defense.

4 Contempt & Anger

Contempt and anger are often involved in pathological narcissism. When their narcissistic supply is cut off, they have to face their shame - and they can’t handle it. Thus, there can be intense, sudden, and uncontrollable rage, or even aggression. More observable examples may be domestic violence, police brutality, or even suicide to “get back” at someone. Other examples might include purposeful silent treatment to punish, cutting off affection, or passive aggressiveness. This can also be less observable things, like nursing a grudge toward a boss who makes more money or wallowing in the shame/woefulness to a point of depression.

5. Lack of Empathy

Lack of empathy is a trademark feature of pathological narcissism. Interestingly, it mostly applies to emotional empathy and not cognitive empathy. This can show up in thoughts and attitudes like, “Your needs don’t matter, just mine,” or “You had it coming. You should be more like me.” It can also be observed in the cluelessness of their offensive statements. Often, they can come across as emotionally cold and callous. They value their needs, but not yours. For example, if you communicate your sadness about a death in the family, they might respond by taking up all the space discussing their own special pain about their pet’s death 5 years prior.

6. Emptiness

High narcissism comes with a void, an emptiness that can’t be filled. Sometimes it can look like depression or a flight of interests and pursuits. They might buy a new car, then have plastic surgery for a new face, then get into the new Ozempic trend. Suicide and parasuicide are also highly correlated with narcissism. Low self-esteem is also a theme, as deep down they are shameful and don’t view themselves favorably. They are hypersensitive to criticism and are easily triggered and offended. There can also be strong helplessness in the narcissistic victim role. There’s dependence on others to maintain and feed their whole existence. They need others for nurturance and care but have minimal capacity to love others.

Pathological narcissism is complex and can be found in any personality disorder, not just narcissistic personality disorder. The signs and symptoms of pathological narcissism are vast and complicated. If you are wondering about your own narcissism or someone else’s, therapy can be helpful! If in the state of Virginia or Pennsylvania, reach out to see if we would be a good fit: https://www.questpsych.org/dr-cheyenne-fisher. Another wonderful resource is www.psychologytoday.com to find a therapist near you!