What Are Personality Disorders (And How You Can Spot Them!)

Personality is everywhere. One of my favorite sayings is, “People are really people-ly.” The people-y-ness of humans is always there, and unfortunately, some of it is at the disorder level. Personality disorders are not going away. Some would even argue that as we become more inner-connected in our world, we’re only going to see more of them.

You can find the definition of a personality disorder here, but how do these problems actually show up?

• It shows up in thought patterns and thinking, as we all have our own perception of ourself, others, events, and the world around us.
• It shows up in emotional patterns and moods, including intensity, moodiness, and appropriateness of emotional responses.
• It shows up in interpersonal patterns, as there are usually constant ruptures in relationships or in things that require socialization - like work or school.
• It shows up in impulsivity dynamics, or essentially acting without thinking. Typically, we don’t consciously think disordered thoughts, decide to be inappropriately emotional, or lose people for the fun of it. It’s sub/unconscious dynamics that are developed. Thus, there is a tendency to engage in a disordered behavior or dynamic in a way that is impulsive.

That’s the textbook answer… But what about intuition?

When interacting with a disordered personality, you can feel it in your gut first. Your body knows before your brain registers it. Something just feels off about this person. You might feel uncomfortable or feel like something isn’t right. You might feel unsafe - physically, emotionally, and/or mentally. Maybe the person’s body language was off compared to what they were saying.

We call this feeling “pulled”. In psychological training, it is sometimes called the “Axis II hook” (because personality disorders were previously classified on the second axis when diagnosing… A story for another time). You feel this pull in your gut to respond in a way that maybe defies social norms or goes against your own normal reactions. Even after your interaction with the person, you still might feel off-centered or simply yucky. That’s because disordered personality dynamics tend to “leak” past normal boundaries like an oil spill. It affects your natural psychological defenses and can leak into your own life, your sleep, your thoughts, etc.

You can feel disordered personality dynamics in your mind. For example, after conversations with a person who has a disordered personality, you leave feeling confused… or unsteady yourself… or even questioning reality (including gaslighting). Maybe you find yourself taking notes after your conversations with this person or recording conversations, as they seem to be operating in a different dimension. This is where personality disorders can almost seem delusional, as they operate in a different version of reality. Social cues are detected differently and with different motives.

And of course, You can feel disordered personality dynamics in your emotions. You might feel like your emotions are out of proportion or wrong or simply out of place. You might feel more or less emotions than you normally would. You may be in an emotional state well after your interaction with the person has passed. The emotions stick to you outside of the person and your interactions with them. Most of the time this is because the person is either projecting their own stuff onto you or attempting to transfer their own pain onto you.

Typically, this doesn’t happen with every interaction, though it might with some of the more severe disorders. There’s still severity differences within the disordered level, like a continuum. But that makes it more confusing, right? Sometimes it’s normal, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes social situations are interpreted like the rest of the social herd, but other times it’s way out in left field…. And you get pulled. Essentially, social norms and social contracts are broken somewhat regularly. There’s a pattern, and it’s not just a one off.

Where does the hook come from?

We keep talking about being pulled, but why? Where does the hook come from? It comes from a disordered personality’s unstable sense of self. They have no self, and thus have an “empty spot” within them (a void, if you will), so they need something from you. They need to borrow something from you or lean on you because their sense of self is unstable.

For example, an inebriated person can’t can’t walk in a straight line, just like how individuals with personality disorders have a hard time navigating the social world… so they use others to steady themselves with this “hook.” It’s typically unconscious and is a reflex to survive with the tools they have. It’s not necessarily malicious or on purpose, though sometimes it can be in some disorders. I personally think that individuals with personality disorders fill their empty spot by creating the same hurt that shaped them.